Category: Blogs

Not only was Carnaval taking so much out of me but I got sick immediately after. I’m talking sick sick. I had all the illnesses and it wasn’t ’til I had to start canceling meetings and skip outings with my new friends that I learned from locals that unfortunately it happens every year after Carnaval. Now that I’ve recovered, I’m experiencing some housing instability and that is definitely interfering with my wellbeing and therefore my documentary project. I feel like I’m running out of time because it’s been a little over a month since I’ve gotten here and I’m still not settled. But I know better… everything is on it’s own timing.

First time I visited Brazil it was for about a month and I went to São Paulo. It took about that long for me to start feeling homesick and ready to go back home. I was tired of the Portuguese, and tired of some of the negative people I was traveling with. It’s not that I’m homesick, or that I miss home, because this place can really feel like home sometimes. It’s just that I miss that feeling of familiarity. I also do get tired of speaking Portuguese but in true multi-lingual fashion English doesn’t feel that comfortable no more either. I think once I find my apartment I will be able to settle in much easier. At least I’m learning that I do not like traveling and living out of a suitcase.

I’m staying with a friend from my program and as much as I hate taking up people’s space it’s been fun and I gotta allow that extra support right now. I’m literally in another country by myself. Sometimes I wake up and I’m like damn… still in Brazil. Not in a good way, but not in a bad way either. I just have a lot of adjusting to do.

As far as my project goes I’ve really had to put that on pause until my housing and security is figured out. But I’ve had lots of promising interactions with locals, and am continuing with my research everyday by reading Mama Africa by Patricia de Santana Pinho. When I’m ready I’ll be recording preliminary interviews and arranging travel days to go and film in and around Salvador.

I still miss my friends. I still want a cat but I need a place to live first. Adulting is some real shit…

xoxo

Where do I even start!

I landed right in the middle of carnaval and shit was wild. That’s why you haven’t heard from me. That’s why my uncle hasn’t heard from me since I landed. I saw him yesterday and he was like when did you land. I said 3 weeks ago… and he said “and you called me today?” Idk how these Brazilians up and drunk 24 hours a day for a week straight but they do it and they have a good time too. Salvador holds the world record for the largest block party in the world, so you can imagine my exhaustion. Despite having to reset my social battery like every 4-8 hours, I really enjoyed it. I was able to film a little bit during my affiliate’s invite-only camarote, and while it wasn’t hella people there, I was able to connect with some Howard students, film, and network during this 4-day long event. If you’re following my instagram I was posting all of the stills I captured. I got some really beautiful shots despite it being just me (no team yet) so I’m proud.

I think I’m getting well-adjusted to Brazil. When I got here right… I was like oh so this what we doing. For the next nine months. But it just took making friends to make that weird feeling go away. I’ve met so many people and they’ve all given me so much perspective on my life so far. Like I really went to college in the South and it really was that bad… UNC was not normal and I’m sick of everyone tryna tell me it wasn’t all that bad. Just look at what’s going on rn. And instead of transferring, I thugged it out. Because I felt like I had to. Because my mentors told me that it’ll be worth it when I have UNC at the top of my resume. I still think everything happens for a reason and God did but my only regret is not listening to myself back then when I knew I would be happier at another school. Why we gotta struggle to have the good life?

At the same time, that experience is/was always going to be so insignificant compared to what life got in store for me. It’s a big big world out here.

I want to let everyone know that by the grace of God my Fulbright grant has not been affected by Trump’s stupid-ass funding freeze. The stipends that me and those in my cohort have earned are provided and distributed by the Brazilian government and our commission is ensuring that we get our money. It’s honestly incredible how he can cause so much chaos and disrupt people’s dreams of researching abroad. It’s like an eery isolation tactic in my eyes. He’s the world’s biggest manipulator and he’s moving worse than I have ever seen.

Anyway Wakanda is real and it’s in Salvador, Bahia. I miss all my friends from home and I want a cat but how I’m gonna take care of a cat. I desperately need to find permanent housing and once I do that and feel more settled I start my preliminary interviews for my doc. I’m still trying to figure out how I want to share these clips before putting the doc together but I will think of something creative. Open to suggestions because I’m curious what everyone is interested in seeing.

Blessings xxx

I landed in Salvador da Bahia yesterday night and the amount of love and support I’ve received for my project and been able to give to others for their work in just 24 hours has been incredible. I’ve been able to network more in the past day then I have in the past several months in the U.S. That’s how open people are here… I’m eating good, feeling good, and I know that God has His hands on me right now. Life just feels… right. If you’re Black, come to Salvador. You will feel right at home. More to come as carnaval starts next week and I will have to film a lot of content soon. But a common, ethical journalism practice is to first meet people and get a feel for their cultures before you start putting cameras in people’s faces or asking for interviews. Embrace people’s stories organically and let them open up to you… especially if you have time. Puerto Rico was only a 10 day student trip and I remember feeling like my story character hadn’t opened up to me really until towards the end. We’re not with the parachute research!

I’m already learning so much and am less scared to put myself out there. Truth is everyone is struggling to put themselves out there but they’re doing it anyway.

Just a quick updateee, sending love to all my people back in U.S. and praying everyday about the situation there. More soon xxxx

Today is Christmas…

In the way that Brazilians do, dinner and gift-giving happened yesterday on Christmas Eve. I am so blessed to be able to celebrate another holiday with my family. Another year of me and my cousin getting drunk off sparkling grape juice, me forcing everyone to go around the table and say what they’re happy for this Holiday season, and hearing again that I’m “too hard to shop for” even though I asked for simple things. 

I leave for my Fulbright Grant in 52 days. I am grateful to be feeling less nervous and more excited about this next chapter of my life. Fear is a tricky thing. You can spend your whole life trying to fight it, just for it to get worse. Anxiety is natural, and if you ask yourself intentionally, you’ll find that she’s your best friend. You wouldn’t be who you are today without her. You can’t be brave if there is nothing to be scared of. 

At the same time, fear is just not my spiritual truth. Even living with PTSD, I have the spirit of power, love, and peace. I just kinda know that. Sometimes you go through scary things so that you have the opportunity to build a good relationship with fear. The best things in life can also be scary, so you gotta be prepared for it. 

The love that surrounds me, this Fulbright, my career—I needed to be prepared for how scary it would all feel when I received it. At least that’s how I make sense of the scary things I’ve had to go through.

My girl Audre Lorde once said: 

“When I dare to be powerful, to use my strength in the service of my vision, then it becomes less and less important whether I am afraid.”

She was so real for that. Simply, there are more important things than fear.

I just be yapping hoping someone needs to hear this. I always enjoy speaking life into people and encouraging people to succeed.

Besides trying to figure out who’s fixing to upgrade my ticket to first class and sponsor my going away party in ATL, I don’t really have anything new to share about Brazil. I’m putting out a project before I leave, one that pertains to southern hip-hop, so keep it locked tf in…

mwah

Merry Christmas.

I’m sooooo done being fake humble. It’s not exactly being fake humble when anxiety is present, but nevertheless I’m done being shy. I was watching SZA on Kai Cenat’s stream yesterday and I felt so seen. There SZA was, in all of her female glory, after giving us the most raw, vulnerable performance with SOS and telling the whole world she just killed her ex, nervous to sit in front of a live video camera and have people perceive her. Although I would assume that would be out of most people’s comfort zone, the grammy-winning singer got up a few times to take a few breaths and tame her anxiety, and eventually it seemed like she was comfortable in the room. That’s when I started thinking that black women with anxiety need a lot of love. We need safe spaces to be ourselves and not be judged for any negative feelings and emotions that can come up for us. ‘Cause even just showing up can take a lot.

It’s like we know we’re that girl, we’re just too afraid to show it.

My version of going on Kai’s live stream was earlier this month when I met face-to-face with a prominent documentary filmmaker in the industry. Despite me trying to talk myself out of it the night before, I made sure my Amtrak tickets were nonrefundable and got my ass on a 6am train to New York first thing the next morning. Quite hungover after celebrating my 23rd birthday, nervous, and dealing with a level of hangxiety I had never dealt with before, I met with said producer and like usual, I was nervous for no reason. I sighed a breath of relief when they arrived and I was able to have all of my professional questions answered. The only thing I can say went wrong, was that I forgot to talk about me.

I have seen their work before. Their style is super dope, unique, and captures the very essence of music documentaries. It’s something I’ve taken inspiration from since I’ve become familiar with it. Yet when it was time to talk about my work, I’ve gotten so used to talking myself down that I gave my usual spiel about my upcoming documentary work in Brazil:

“I’m moving to Brazil to work on a documentary in Bahia.”

Except that’s not always the line. Sometimes, when I really want to brag about myself, I’ll say:

“I got a scholarship to move to Brazil and work on a documentary in Bahia.”

Sure I talked about my work, but I played it down. It’s not just any scholarship I won, I won a Fulbright Scholarship. A Fulbright Scholarship is one of the most highly prestigious international exchange programs worldwide. It’s government-funded, and it’s seen as a mark of quality within one’s field. Notable Fulbright alumni have gone on to change the whole world. In other words, I’m well on my way to winning a Nobel or Pulitzer prize one day, and perhaps even changing the world with my work.

I wonder how many times I’ll hear that until it registers. If I had the confidence of someone like, say, Donald Trump, I would’ve not only accepted my value a long ass time ago but I would also be making hella bands from it by now, too.

I say all this to just express that it’s so damn hard to fully take up space. I know I’m not the only one. I don’t know if it’s racism, or misogyny, or both. But day by day I’m learning to do it. I’m still young, new to the profession, and if anything this is good indication that I have so much room to grow my confidence. It won’t be overnight and that’s a good thing. Life is a journey after all.

Next time someone asks me about what I got going on, I’mma hit ’em with this:

“I earned a Fulbright Scholarship with government funding to support my upcoming project in Brazil. Are you familiar with a Fulbright Scholarship?”

All I can do is keep it real end of the day. Me accepting my excellence is as real as it can get.

I’ve decided that I want to make further use of my website and write about the experiences of the Fulbright journey that lies ahead of me and the start of my professional video journalism career. ‘Cuz baby… we just getting started.

It’s been five months since I learned I received a Fulbright Open Study award to travel to and live in Brazil for 9 months and shoot my documentary. My main goals for this project are to give it all my expertise, accuracy, and dedication, and to do justice for the Afro-Brazilian community in Salvador da Bahia. My personal goals are to become completely fluent in Portuguese, embrace love, friendship and family, and connect to my roots. Also I’m gonna start working on my S.M.A.R.T. goals… Regardless, I care about this project a lot and I can already feel myself putting unnecessary pressure on myself, like I usually do.

I leave in February which gives me just a few more months to get my visa approved, secure a university with a journalism or film department to work with, and rent an apartment. I’ll also want to finalize the production schedule, continue to apply for extra grant opportunities, and set up an LLC. I feel like I don’t know how to do any of that, but doing one thing at a time has helped assuage some of my anxieties surrounding this project.

Fulbright has been a dream of mine since freshman year of college. I graduated UNC Chapel Hill in May, and since then I’ve been living with family in Asheville, working and praying that the imposter syndrome goes away. Asheville and the surrounding areas in Western North Carolina have just been hit by a devastating storm, so I’ve started praying about that too. There always seems to be a lot of chaos right before a new chapter. These past few months I’ve found it difficult to absolve the fears I have. It’s hard to think about how large-scale this project is, and how much I care about doing well, without anxiety stopping me in my tracks.

I’ll start to think that what I have to do is way too big. I’ve always been ambitious, but if I’m honest, sometimes I feel like I’m not cut out for any of this. Not just the Fulbright, but the rest of my career goals. How I want to be a music journalist and make documentaries and music videos about and for the biggest influences of our culture. How I want to travel the world and drive social change through my work. How I want to own a production company. What sucks is sometimes it doesn’t matter what anybody says about me either. That I can do it, that it’ll be a life-changing experience, that magic will happen for me in Brazil. While I know these things are true, sometimes I just can’t shake the idea that maybe somehow God made a mistake in granting me this opportunity. I know I’m not alone in my imposter syndrome, and while I’ve had to overcome self-doubt in college, this is the first time I’ve experienced it to such a great extent. I hope that maybe publishing this can empower me in some way by looking back when I’m several months into my grant and I’m living good, safe, creating a great body of work that I’m proud of with a fantastic team, with the resources I need, that I was wrong the whole time. Because God makes no mistakes. 

The first time I did a documentary overseas was in Puerto Rico in Spring of 2023. And I was nervoouuussss. I felt like I wasn’t cut out for it, and to no surprise, I put extra pressure on myself to do as much research and language immersion as I could before landing in San Juan. Mind you, I’ve been taking Spanish since the 7th grade. I was only worried because I was just a little out of practice, a little bit far from perfect. As many of my mentors and professors have taught me, perfection isn’t real. These false realities of perfection can actually hold you back. It wasn’t until someone checked me while I was ranting about something when they told me I was acting like this Puerto Rico project was high-stakes. And I was like… are you sure? That was the first time I even realized I was doing it. I remember my friends were so excited for me to go that semester, too, but anytime they asked about that class I shut it right down because I wasn’t tryna talk about it. Like y’all not finna make me nervous right now. Yet they knew I was gonna be just fine. Now my friends say the same stuff today. While a Fulbright is more “high-stakes” than a college journalism class, I’m still certainly putting more pressure on it than I should. Pressure and striving for “perfection” can be a good thing, but in moderation… not too much where you can’t even move. And I gots to move.

I’m going to continue writing about my preparations for Brazil and when I get there, blogging my experiences with creating my documentary. I want a record of my experiences that isn’t just in my journal I keep, but published, somewhere that isn’t hidden, to inspire people who want to follow their dreams, too. As introverted as I can be sometimes, I’ve got to learn to take up space. I’ve got to learn to shine unapologetically. I hope blogging helps me recognize how far I’ve come, how far I’ve still to go, and I hope it motivates me to not ever give up on what makes my heart burn.

More soon. xoxo