Real Talk
11/26/24
I’m sooooo done being fake humble. It’s not exactly being fake humble when anxiety is present, but nevertheless I’m done being shy. I was watching SZA on Kai Cenat’s stream yesterday and I felt so seen. There SZA was, in all of her female glory, after giving us the most raw, vulnerable performance with SOS and telling the whole world she just killed her ex, nervous to sit in front of a live video camera and have people perceive her. Although I would assume that would be out of most people’s comfort zone, the grammy-winning singer got up a few times to take a few breaths and tame her anxiety, and eventually it seemed like she was comfortable in the room. That’s when I started thinking that black women with anxiety need a lot of love. We need safe spaces to be ourselves and not be judged for any negative feelings and emotions that can come up for us. ‘Cause even just showing up can take a lot.
It’s like we know we’re that girl, we’re just too afraid to show it.
My version of going on Kai’s live stream was earlier this month when I met face-to-face with a prominent documentary filmmaker in the industry. Despite me trying to talk myself out of it the night before, I made sure my Amtrak tickets were nonrefundable and got my ass on a 6am train to New York first thing the next morning. Quite hungover after celebrating my 23rd birthday, nervous, and dealing with a level of hangxiety I had never dealt with before, I met with said producer and like usual, I was nervous for no reason. I sighed a breath of relief when they arrived and I was able to have all of my professional questions answered. The only thing I can say went wrong, was that I forgot to talk about me.
I have seen their work before. Their style is super dope, unique, and captures the very essence of music documentaries. It’s something I’ve taken inspiration from since I’ve become familiar with it. Yet when it was time to talk about my work, I’ve gotten so used to talking myself down that I gave my usual spiel about my upcoming documentary work in Brazil:
“I’m moving to Brazil to work on a documentary in Bahia.”
Except that’s not always the line. Sometimes, when I really want to brag about myself, I’ll say:
“I got a scholarship to move to Brazil and work on a documentary in Bahia.”
Sure I talked about my work, but I played it down. It’s not just any scholarship I won, I won a Fulbright Scholarship. A Fulbright Scholarship is one of the most highly prestigious international exchange programs worldwide. It’s government-funded, and it’s seen as a mark of quality within one’s field. Notable Fulbright alumni have gone on to change the whole world. In other words, I’m well on my way to winning a Nobel or Pulitzer prize one day, and perhaps even changing the world with my work.
I wonder how many times I’ll hear that until it registers. If I had the confidence of someone like, say, Donald Trump, I would’ve not only accepted my value a long ass time ago but I would also be making hella bands from it by now, too.
I say all this to just express that it’s so damn hard to fully take up space. I know I’m not the only one. I don’t know if it’s racism, or misogyny, or both. But day by day I’m learning to do it. I’m still young, new to the profession, and if anything this is good indication that I have so much room to grow my confidence. It won’t be overnight and that’s a good thing. Life is a journey after all.
Next time someone asks me about what I got going on, I’mma hit ’em with this:
“I earned a Fulbright Scholarship with government funding to support my upcoming project in Brazil. Are you familiar with a Fulbright Scholarship?”
All I can do is keep it real end of the day. Me accepting my excellence is as real as it can get.
Going to Salvador, Bahia on a U.S. Fulbright Grant
10/4/24
I’ve decided that I want to make further use of my website and write about the experiences of the Fulbright journey that lies ahead of me and the start of my professional video journalism career. ‘Cuz baby… we just getting started.
It’s been five months since I learned I received a Fulbright Open Study award to travel to and live in Brazil for 9 months and shoot my documentary. My main goals for this project are to give it all my expertise, accuracy, and dedication, and to do justice for the Afro-Brazilian community in Salvador da Bahia. My personal goals are to become completely fluent in Portuguese, embrace love, friendship and family, and connect to my roots. Also I’m gonna start working on my S.M.A.R.T. goals… Regardless, I care about this project a lot and I can already feel myself putting unnecessary pressure on myself, like I usually do.
I leave in February which gives me just a few more months to get my visa approved, secure a university with a journalism or film department to work with, and rent an apartment. I’ll also want to finalize the production schedule, continue to apply for extra grant opportunities, and set up an LLC. I feel like I don’t know how to do any of that, but doing one thing at a time has helped assuage some of my anxieties surrounding this project.
Fulbright has been a dream of mine since freshman year of college. I graduated UNC Chapel Hill in May, and since then I’ve been living with family in Asheville, working and praying that the imposter syndrome goes away. Asheville and the surrounding areas in Western North Carolina have just been hit by a devastating storm, so I’ve started praying about that too. There always seems to be a lot of chaos right before a new chapter. These past few months I’ve found it difficult to absolve the fears I have. It’s hard to think about how large-scale this project is, and how much I care about doing well, without anxiety stopping me in my tracks.
I’ll start to think that what I have to do is way too big. I’ve always been ambitious, but if I’m honest, sometimes I feel like I’m not cut out for any of this. Not just the Fulbright, but the rest of my career goals. How I want to be a music journalist and make documentaries and music videos about and for the biggest influences of our culture. How I want to travel the world and drive social change through my work. How I want to own a production company. What sucks is sometimes it doesn’t matter what anybody says about me either. That I can do it, that it’ll be a life-changing experience, that magic will happen for me in Brazil. While I know these things are true, sometimes I just can’t shake the idea that maybe somehow God made a mistake in granting me this opportunity. I know I’m not alone in my imposter syndrome, and while I’ve had to overcome self-doubt in college, this is the first time I’ve experienced it to such a great extent. I hope that maybe publishing this can empower me in some way by looking back when I’m several months into my grant and I’m living good, safe, creating a great body of work that I’m proud of with a fantastic team, with the resources I need, that I was wrong the whole time. Because God makes no mistakes.
The first time I did a documentary overseas was in Puerto Rico in Spring of 2023. And I was nervoouuussss. I felt like I wasn’t cut out for it, and to no surprise, I put extra pressure on myself to do as much research and language immersion as I could before landing in San Juan. Mind you, I’ve been taking Spanish since the 7th grade. I was only worried because I was just a little out of practice, a little bit far from perfect. As many of my mentors and professors have taught me, perfection isn’t real. These false realities of perfection can actually hold you back. It wasn’t until someone checked me while I was ranting about something when they told me I was acting like this Puerto Rico project was high-stakes. And I was like… are you sure? That was the first time I even realized I was doing it. I remember my friends were so excited for me to go that semester, too, but anytime they asked about that class I shut it right down because I wasn’t tryna talk about it. Like y’all not finna make me nervous right now. Yet they knew I was gonna be just fine. Now my friends say the same stuff today. While a Fulbright is more “high-stakes” than a college journalism class, I’m still certainly putting more pressure on it than I should. Pressure and striving for “perfection” can be a good thing, but in moderation… not too much where you can’t even move. And I gots to move.
I’m going to continue writing about my preparations for Brazil and when I get there, blogging my experiences with creating my documentary. I want a record of my experiences that isn’t just in my journal I keep, but published, somewhere that isn’t hidden, to inspire people who want to follow their dreams, too. As introverted as I can be sometimes, I’ve got to learn to take up space. I’ve got to learn to shine unapologetically. I hope blogging helps me recognize how far I’ve come, how far I’ve still to go, and I hope it motivates me to not ever give up on what makes my heart burn.
More soon. xoxo